When I was growing up I used to see everything as an adventure but as I’ve got older that spirit seems to have subsided and often things feel quite predictable and defined. Like many people, I often leave the house with a purpose and a known destination. I suspect I’m not alone in sometimes feeling trapped by this.
A week or so ago I was craving something different. I didn’t really know what I was after so I just got in the car and drove. By knowing that I could do anything and go anywhere and that no one knew where I was going, what I was doing and who I was doing it with felt so refreshingly liberating. Somehow instinct led me to a nature reserve and a huge expanse of water. Funnily enough, it’s what I have been looking for in my landlocked life for the past 12 years but my active searching hadn’t taken me there. In fact, it hadn’t even got me remotely close. And I’m a pretty good map reader.
As I was exploring this new ‘treasure’, thoughts kept popping into my head and I had so many ideas of what I was going to write next for this blog. So many, in fact, that my brain went into overdrive. I needed a plan. Once that was sorted, all I needed to do was type everything up. Simple. Interestingly, though, and to my surprise, what happened next was that the plan just didn’t come and I didn’t write about anything. Nothing at all. Lots of great subjects buzzing around but no words. Yet.
Until a couple of days ago when the ‘thing’ I didn’t even know I had been waiting for started chattering away at me. And it didn’t resemble anything I had been thinking about at the nature reserve. What had actually struck me was that for the first time in years I had seen, felt and found adventure and excitement in #DestinationUnknown. Not only that but I had deliberately gone out looking for it. I had invited it into my life.
For anyone who is experiencing (in)fertility investigations and treatment or who needs medical intervention to create their family #DestinationUnknown is the place none of us actually wants to be. It can be dark. Very dark. Lonely and isolating. We want answers and we want results. Even if we are ‘lucky’ enough to get the answers or know (because we are single or in a same-sex relationship) that we need help, the destination is still unknown. We invest all that we have emotionally, physically and (for many) financially into #DestinationUnknown but until we have a child it always remains #DestinationUnknown. It is resolutely #DestinationUnknown even in the face of the often strict, controlled and imposed medication protocols and other regimes that we are introduced to and which become part of the everydayness of trying to conceive (whether in or out of treatment).
We all try and seek out the best advice and support that we can from fertility clinics and specialists. We might get shown a bunch of statistics but the stark fact remains that absolutely no one can tell us whether we are actually going to get pregnant and whether we will have a live birth. The only statistic I’ve ever been interested in is 100%. 100% live baby in my arms. Anything between 0% and 99% remains #DestinationUnknown. And that can be such an overwhelmingly difficult place to be – even if you go looking for it. Even if you welcome it with open arms into your life.
I feel like I need to wrap up this blog entry tidily. But I don’t know what that closing paragraph is. Does this piece actually need ‘an ending’? When I started writing today I didn’t know where this was all going. Maybe it is the beginning of a bigger conversation about our own #DestinationUnknown. I invite you to be part of it, whatever #DestinationUnknown means to you.